“Should-ing” Yourself

By Amy Nicholls

(I wrote this in the throws of the never ending cycle of sleep, breastfeed, repeat when my son was 2-ish)

There are a million things I should be doing.

In these unscheduled moments of reprieve, I'm faced with the reality Motherhood does not allow down time without cost. Right now, he needs me to be still, but I "should" be working in the down time.

He's been sick, and had a lot of active days consumed by the routine of preschool, playdates, outings and errands.

He is almost 3 and each day seems to usher in the constant flow of dramatic changes. Today is the first nap he's had in days.

He is finally resting, and I’m not on alert. I can allow my brain to focus on one thing only, and that is sitting in quite for the present moment.

These glorious afternoon snuggles, where he falls asleep on me, our breath in a rhythmic motion, each other slowing the intake as our bodies recharge. My heart twigs and out pours the esoteric wisdom of knowing this will not last forever. No picture taken, no point in time documented, just my little guy curled up on my chest in my arms in a sleep that falls deep quickly. I breathe in his sweet smell and kiss his little cheek. Baby You, Mommy Me, we say

Before I was a Mom I never used to feel like I needed to defend the time I took for myself. I sat on the couch and watched TV way more then, and never once did I get a comment about it.

Competition. Judgement. Defending being a Feminist to people with misguided opinions.

It's all those things that add the "should".

I know, the only thing I need to do is allow myself to enjoy this time.

Any Mom knows you work double time when your little is sick. Whether you work outside or inside the house has no relevance to that fact.

I "should" be working.

But today, in the interest of both our health, I'm going to shut it all out, and choose to sit in the moment.

(December 12, 2019)